I’m going to open a "Medicinal Tobacco Dispensary." You may not know it (nor does any scientific-medical researcher), but I claim that tobacco cures every disease known to mankind — cancer, heart disease, glaucoma, erectile dysfunction, Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease, athlete’s foot, schizophrenia, and at least thirty others (scientific-medical researchers wrongly claim that smoking tobacco actually causes many of those diseases — Ha! What do they know?).

I’m going to open my "Medicinal Tobacco Dispensary" in a residential neighbourhood (even though it’s not zoned for business), preferably near an elementary school 'cause that’s where my future customers are. I’m not even going to apply for a business licence, nor am I going to pay municipal, provincial or federal taxes. Any and all resulting fines levied will be ignored. And I’m going to sell my "medicinal tobacco" to anyone — including children. I’m going to add flavours to my "medicinal tobacco" — Bubble Gum, Cola, Hot Dog, Candy Floss, Mint, Chocolate, Watermelon, Ale, Lager, Stout, Chardonnay, Merlot, and Pinot Noir to make them more enticing to people of all ages.

You won’t need to bother getting a "prescription" for your "medicinal tobacco," 'cause I’ll sell to anyone, anytime, anywhere. No questions asked.

Jerry Steinberg

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